Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
