Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
