I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
