Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize