i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
