wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
