Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
