Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
They took my balls.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
