I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
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