I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
