toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
