I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
