if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
someone threw a dead crab at me
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
