What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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