I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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