Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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