I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
pop tarts are not kleenex
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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