Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
