Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
