dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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