a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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