I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
