Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
