I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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