FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
