So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize