Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
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