i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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