Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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