I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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