Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
