No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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