i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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