I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
