Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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