So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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