if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I need a beard to bite.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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