It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
