I'd wear matching sweaters with you
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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