So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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