I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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