So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
