Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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