this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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