Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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