why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
