I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
