Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
