just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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