The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
