Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
