Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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