I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
