Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
