i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
