I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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